Content Note: What will I Become? deals with topics like suicide, depression, transphobia, homophobia, abuse and rape.
In this year’s Berlinale 14plus section there is only one documentary “What will I Become?” The film deals with the alarming high number of suicides around the trans masculine community which is around 50%. Director Lexie Bean and Logan Rozos talk about two trans boys Kyler and Blake who have lost their lives to suicide at a young age. Their personalities and lifestyles couldn’t be more different from each other yet their faith ended the same way. The directors begin a journey of asking Kylers and Blakes loved ones, parents and chosen family about them while also diving into their own experience as trans people. The morning of their premiere I sat down with Lexie and Logan to interview them about their first Berlinale film.
Generation Reports (FRG): What inspired you to produce the movie?
Lexie: The root to what inspired me is that I felt very suicidal when I first came out as trans and attempted around that time. And then I realised it was a common experience around the trans masculine community. It was hard to imagine a future hence the title What will I Become?
FGR: What was the biggest challenge while making the film?
Lexie: I think emotionally the biggest challenge was being in a role of responsibility and having to convince people that this topic was important. Especially after meeting Kyler’s parents, doing the interviews and wanting to finish the film because the families care and we care.
FGR: When did you start working on that project?
Logan: We started in 2020 so six years ago I was 19 when we started. We did most of the production in 2022. The past years were all about trying to convince people that this project was important and looking for funding which was also a great challenge.
FGR: I was really happy to see how much the parents cared and supported their kids. What was your experience working with them?
Logan: It was really just an honor having people trust us with such a painful subject. They shared a lot of wise and beautiful things about parenting, grief and supporting trans people in your life. It was also hard to know that we were in some way responsible for telling that story and keeping them safe since people online were not only attacking trans people but also their loved ones. There is a risk even telling that story.
Lexie: There is a scene where Kyler’s parents meet with his therapist who is an older transman. To find trans people over the age of 35 was not common so to have someone like that therapist in your life is crucial for trans youth. As well as for the parents to have an example that their children can have a future.
FRG: We are introduced to many different people and locations, what didn’t make it into the movie?
Logan: A lot of things, such as other trans support groups where you could see a community having fun together but also some of Blake’s loved ones that we interviewed since he was very loved by many people. However, at the end we wanted to leave more room for Blake himself and we were really lucky to have that much footage of him living and talking so we decided to let him speak for himself as much as possible rather than include more interviews.
FRG: That was not the case for Kyler but I really loved how you solved it by using art and animation. It felt like the audience was still able to get to know him and his personality. How did you come up with that?
Lexie: When Kyler’s parents watched the film for the first time they said, they felt like the animation was a perfect representation of their son and we were so glad to hear that.
Logan: We knew we wanted to use some sort of animated element in the movie but weren’t sure what it’s going to be but then our animator Daniel Lobb made this little dollhouse and animations which just perfectly represented Kyler’s personality but also the fact that he is gone.
Lexie: Most trans people also don’t feel comfortable being seen on camera so having almost no footage of Kyler feels like an accurate representation. Blake is so exceptional. We also didn’t want to make Kyler too vivid, try to not show his body since his relationship with it was bad so it didn’t feel appropriate to do that hence we chose a silhouette.
Logan: Also the fact that he was an artist himself, I like to imagine that it would be cool for him to see another artist portray him in this way.
FRG: The topic toxic masculinity had a huge role in the conversations, what is your personal experience with that?
Logan: After starting my transition I felt the need to pass and do everything just to fit a certain stereotype. I had to dress in a way that didn’t feel authentic to me. I have situations where people assume im cisgender (a person whose gender identity corresponds to their sex assigned at birth) and start talking about women the way I do not agree with. I didn’t want to become a stranger to my female friends and I am glad that did not happen. It’s just a temptation to be more passing by turning away from things that I like.
So after starting transition I had to accept a different social world. I’m happy that I did and I’m happier, but in this social world I am part of not so nice people like toxic men but also nice people as a gay black man. I hope transmen think about it more critically than cis men are.
Lexie: I have a different experience. I talk about this briefly in the film but I have experienced sexual abuse and rape in my life. When I came out I was scared of turning into a bad person. But throughout my journey I found out it wasn’t only an individual experience. People who are raised as women experience violence and are affected by the patriarchy that is internalised.
It happens in Kyler’s life too when he was in the hospital the staff said “you’re too pretty to be trans” there is a very particular misogyny that is still happening in trans boys life.
Logan: I think the way gender functions is that there are people that are accepted as men and then there is everyone else that are treated like a failed man. Gay, disabled, intersex men get treated that way too.
Lexie: I think that’s how trans men feel like they are not allowed to feel pain or talk about it because they are a man now.
FRG: What are your hopes for the future of queer people but also youth in general?
Logan: There is a lot I hope won’t happen. It’s the what will I become question, I know what I don’t want to become. Recognising everyone’s struggle, one group isn’t going to be free without freeing everyone else. I feel so protective over trans youth now and worry for trans people tomorrow because of the institutions and family problems they might have to go through but also believe in them that they figure it out. Embracing community and being together, we shouldn’t stop being ourselves because of backlash.
Lexie: I wish to know that a future is possible. I can’t even plan a year ahead. It feels impossible to do that sometimes. In the context of the US and around the world I wish that people have a place where they can breathe. Whether that is an after school cub or a person, a country or their own body. All the trans people I know in the US had to think about where they could go. It’s both a casual and serious conversation.
My basic wish is for people to imagine at least a year ahead which is a low bar.
Logan: We asked this question to people we interviewed. One of my favorite answers was Blakes rugby coach Robert. He was like “I just wish that trans people know that we can hang out if they need it”. So I guess everyone having someone to hang out with is my wish for the future.
Lexie: I wish that there are more people like Robert, in everyone’s life there should be a person that makes them feel like they’re not a burden and they don’t have to explain themselves. Some people are willing to take risk of experiencing secondary transphobia by the nature of loving us. The question: What will I Become? started with us but it’s really for everyone.
Contact information for counselling offering help with depression can be found online at telefonseelsorge.de and under 0800/111 0 111.
